These were the words from my pastor as I spoke with him about an incident that happened to me a day ago. How can there be blessing in here?
I had pondered the event and filled my journal with writing words that tumbled out of my very soul, words that seemed to have a mind of their own as they hastily leaped out of my thoughts and found their way on to the page claiming their own place in the telling of this story. I also remembered other words spoken into my life. ‘When the enemy muddies the waters wait for clarity” said my friend and counsellor. For me the waiting and the clarity comes in the writing. What good was there in being in this place, when all I wanted to do was to give up and run as far away as possible. To leave it all behind to find another place. She also stated that God will rescue everything from the past and allow me to relook at it. I was blessed to have this opportunity to relook at this event and recognize that I was not in the same place from years ago but I had changed and I had responded differently with strength and calm.
The incident? A request for a 10-minute phone chat that evolved into something ugly and ferocious. Though I knew it would be a challenging conversation I never dreamed it would burgeon into what transpired. Memories tumbled in from the past. The cruelty of the words directed at me, the intensity of the tone and the combative nature in which they were spoken shook me. With this person “facts” “their facts’ even if misguided and incorrect were truth. The accusations of the words were incredulous barely giving me time to speak. Similar situations, familiar accusations, came to mind, but this time the intensity was different. As if the noise and heat was suddenly intensified many times over. The sound!! So loud and so close, that I felt, if the person was standing before me, and not on the phone, there would have been spittle on my face. It felt so loud and so near that I felt their presence in the room! It was an uncanny feeling!
Afterwards, as I stood up from my chair I realised my heart was racing and I was trembling, my body felt lifeless as if the energy was sucked out. I recognised the feelings. I had experienced them before. Slowly as my tears stopped I realised that I had stood my ground in the midst of the onslaught and had spoken with a quiet strong voice.
In John Bunyan’s Pilgrims progress: Christian found himself in a very narrow passage leading to the Palace Beautiful and he saw two lions in the way. The lions had driven back others, Mistrust and Timorous. The Lions were chained but Christian saw not the chains. Then he was afraid, and thought also to go back. But the Porter at the lodge, whose name was Watchful cried out to him saying “is thy strength so small?” Mark 4:40. for they are chained and placed there for trial of faith……..keep in the midst of the path and no hurt shall come to thee”. Trembling Christian moves forward in fear of the lions, but taking heed of the words of the Porter; Christian heard them roar but they did not harm him. Then he clapped his hands and went on to the house built by the Lord, built for the relief and security of pilgrims;” Peters’ image of the powers of the enemy is apt. Your adversary the devil prowls around LIKE a roaring Lion. He is not a Lion, only ‘Like’ one.
The words of this passage washes over me as I straighten my spine and stand up and breathe in the power of the imagery. He is putting steel in my spine. The enemy can only roar Like a lion but He is indeed tethered! Praise the Lord who is my rock who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle psalm 144:1, as I stand and straighten myself there is no need to be cowed down by a roar. ‘I will go before you and level the mountains and I will breakdown the gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron’ Isaiah 45:2. I linger in the power of these words. It does not matter the enormity of the person or the event; I sit in the shade of this passage to take rest from what had transpired. These words give rest and bring quiet to my heart that flutters frantically like a bird in a cage trying to flee its captor.
As my pencil flew across the page filling line after line I realised that even though I felt helpless I was NOT helpless. I had been given the strength and words to speak calmly. Even though I never anticipated this encounter God had planned for it. He had been ministering to me through scripture, through the spoken words of Jesus, and wise council. As a scientist I had learned and immersed myself in the truth that my mind drove the functioning of my brain and my body and I had become aware that what I thought of most and meditated on affected my health. I had experienced through serious illness the difference of feeling ‘very ill’ versus feeling “really well”. Paul encourages me not to “copy the behavior and customs of this world, but to let God transform me into a new person by changing the way I think” Rom. 12.2. God was intently involved in the health of my mind and my body. God himself had gone before me into this moment (Deuteronomy 31:9). I must rest there in this thought. I am learning to find the “blessing in the crushing.”
As my pencil kept on it’s journey of recording, I realized my thoughts were taking a different direction. I was remembering Gods faithfulness to me over the years. He had rescued me from death and sickness. When I felt alone and abandoned, He had rescued and had provided for me and my son through the valleys of the shadow when all hope seemed gone (Psalm 23). “Not a single one of all the good promises the LORD had failed me (Joshua ...). He journeys with me.
This afternoon I drove to the country: it was freeing to get in the car and leave the busy streets of the city and just keep driving. I turned on the radio and the words of a song wafted over the air waves and rapped gently around my heart and settled within.
“when I miss the light the night has stolen, when I am slamming all the doors you’ve opened, hold on to me, hold on to me. Hold on to me when it is too dark to see you, when I am sure I have reached the end, when I let go, when I start to break in desperation underneath the weight of expectation… Hold on to me Hold on to me. (Lauren Daigle). He was holding on to me always.
The enemy works through familiar spirits with different faces said my pastor. He explained it as a certain stance that would impact me. In this instance a familiar spirit to me was a spirit of abuse often meted out in a loud voice of power. In my life’s journey I will encounter them in different personalities. But my strength is to remember I am sealed in His Spirit (Eph. 1: ). Everything inside of me is protected when God has sealed me. I couldn’t be more secure! I gather my scrambling thoughts as I bring them under the power of this promise.
CS Lewis said I believe in Christianity like the sun has risen, not only because I see it, because by it I see see everything else. Jesus is the light. Through Him I see clearly and the muddied waters settle to give clarity.
Each morning I listen to morning prayer by the Dean of Canterbury. And each morning he ends his session with a prayer whose last lines intrigue me. The blessing of God the Father and the the Son and the Holy Spirit be upon you and those you love and those whom you would pray for today and always Amen. “Those whom you would pray for” I think he means those we don’t or can’t love, but yet must pray for and bless as he has covered all the rest in the previous phrase. So I forgive my enemy of yesterday and ask God to bless them. In Jesus Name, Amen.
April, 29th 2021.
Malkanthi ©
Hey,
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